My Great-grandmother’s Death & How I Deal With My Feelings

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always shoved my feelings as far down as they can go. This is something I’ve really always done, and I know a lot of other people do it too. One example of this that I always think of was when my great-grandmother died. We were obviously never that close to each other, but she died when I was around 10 years old. I remember her having a bad memory, whenever I would sit at the table with her she would look at me and say, “You’re such a beautiful girl.” I would smile and say, “Thank you.” A couple minutes later, she would look at me again and say, “You’re such a beautiful girl.” To which I would smile and let out a small laugh and say, “Thank you” again. She was a sweet old lady with a good heart, and I really admired her even though I didn’t know much about her. When my great-aunt couldn’t take care of her anymore, she put her in a nursing home. My family and I would visit her there, and afterwards we would get ice cream cones. I always liked visiting her. When she started to get sick and her organs were just starting to shut down, I remember coming to visit her, and seeing more family than usual. I wonder if she knew what was happening. At her funeral, my sister was crying. She didn’t know her much more than I did, but I know we both loved her anyways. I don’t know if she was crying because the sadness was overwhelming her or if it was really because of her passing. I remember feeling like crying too but because I was around my family and just people in general, I refused to let myself. My grandmother was cremated and put into the wall of the church the service was held in, just like my great-grandpa. I got to take home a vase of flowers from the dinner afterwards. After a few days, I was cleaning out my closet, and I started thinking about the funeral. I remember sinking down to my knees and crying hysterically, and that was when I realized how much I bottle up my feelings. It’s a really vivid memory, and I’ll never forget it. I think I’d much rather bottle up my feelings and let them out when I’m by myself then be vulnerable in front of other people. I think that’s something to work on. I know I’ll never be vulnerable like that in front of my family. I’d like to think that someday I could feel safe crying in front of someone, and If anyone out there is like me in this way, I hope you do too.

Love,

Sammy’s Space

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