I started feeling anxiety at the beginning of eighth grade which is too young to have anxiety, in my opinion. I don’t know what could have possibly triggered the fear of losing people in me. I still haven’t figured out why it terrified me at the time, but it did. I had become friends with this girl two years prior and we had recently become inseparably close. Like, suffocating, inseparably close. We were completely joint to the hip. We did everything together and texted from the minute we got home to the minute we went to bed. Then we’d be together all day for the rest of school. The process would repeat.
This was the start of an unhealthy relationship, I just never could see it. Every time she spend time with someone else, I wouldn’t just get jealous, I would get scared too. I didn’t want to be alone, with no friends. I was so afraid of what would happen if I had no one. I didn’t mean to be so clingy or weird about it all, it was just kind of how I felt.
My fear later turned into horrible, horrible anxiety. It was specifically bad with a certain girl that my best friend would talk to. This girl, I know for a fact, was trying to steal my best friend. She would talk to her any chance she got and try to steal her from me at every opportunity. Every time I told my best friend my feelings about the girl or my anxiety in general, she would give me advice that would make my anxiety worse.
That was when I started having panic attacks and daily anxiety. I had (self-diagnosed) panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.I even took online tests which confirmed that I had it. It was one specific night when I told her that I wasn’t okay with this girl being friends with her. I told her that if she wanted to stay friends with her, I wouldn’t stop her, but I wouldn’t hang out with them both at the same time.
My best friend told me something that sent me straight into a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe, my chest was caving into itself, and a rash was forming on my left arm as I lost my mind. That was what happening during all my daily panic attacks, but this one was intensified to the max. After dealing with this for more than 9 months, I felt like dying. I was in the most unhealthy head space I could ever imagine.
My self-esteem was completely gone, and I hadn’t been happy in months. Then during the summer, she became too busy for me. I brought up to her that I was mad at her for abandoning me for a couple of weeks and she got an attitude with me. It was in that moment where I realized that I was putting this girl who treated me horribly before myself. I was sabotaging myself, and I would be spiraling down a dark path if I didn’t do something fast. So, I took the opportunity and ran for it. I told her I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore, and within two weeks of not talking to her, my anxiety was almost completely gone. I learned how to be my own best friend. I was happier than ever.
I’m telling this story for anyone in the same situation as me. I let someone control me for so long, I was damaging myself. I was so afraid of losing someone I depended on that I hurt myself in the process of it all. I hope you all learn from my experience. If you have anxiety, find the root of it and destroy it. If you have someone hurting you in life, let them go. You deserve so much happiness and you’re only hurting yourself by not letting yourself have it. I am so much better for becoming who I am today. I am happier. And I never want to feel anxiety again.